A Thanksgiving feast highlights an evolving contradiction

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I can still feel the steam hug my face as it rises from the marshmallow-covered heap of sweet potatoes and cranberry-laden pile of turkey that serve as staples of many American homes on Thanksgiving Day.

I’m not complaining, mind you. I love turkey on Thanksgiving as much as the next American, but it also represents an evolving contradiction in the Allanach household in terms of the lessons we teach our children about animals, food, and overall nutrition.

Simply put, I don’t eat much meat, but when I do it must be as pure as possible and raised humanely, which is no easy task given the state of factory farming in America. I don’t want my children eating chicken or steak that is full of hormones, antibiotics, and whatever else winds up in drumsticks and milk as a result of America’s desire for cheap food.

And I don’t want my children to nourish their bodies if it means supporting the needless suffering by billions of farm animals stored in warehouses not fit for a cockroach infestation.

I’m not trying to be overtly political, but no one can escape the politics involved in America’s system of food production, and that inevitably affects what we place in front of our children at dinner.

I’ve read one statistic that 70 percent of all antibiotics manufactured in America go to animals in factory farms. They’re simply cramped in so tight they would all die of disease if farmers don’t medicate their animals. How appetizing.

I’ve also read a statistic refuting that number, one that pins the percentage closer to 13.

What could explain such a wide disparity in a fact that should be as clear as 2+2? Politics.

One number comes from critics and another from farmers. I’m sure you can guess which is which.

So what’s a father to do? (Aside from eat whatever his wife places in front of him without complaint, thank you very much.) Use his common sense.

Nature never intended for animals to be cramped in so tight they need human intervention to remain healthy, therefore the only sensible option is free range and organic. And we pay handsomely for it, roughly three times more for milk and eggs.

A frozen turkey from the supermarket might run 79 cents a pound, while I’ve paid $3.79 per pound for our Thanksgiving turkeys when we host dinner.

Still, I would rather buy a more expensive bird that lived cage-free and doesn’t have any hormones or antibiotics running through it than buy an inexpensive bird that lived in quarters so tight it can’t flap its wings and is full of the best pharmaceuticals farmers can buy.

Plus, I support a family farm in my own Frederick County instead of some corporation that is seven or eight states away. But this is where the evolving contradiction comes in play.

Karen and I teach our children to love animals, and that we must care for and respect them because humans have dominion over them. Whenever we drive by a field on which animals are grazing, our daughter Celeste goes on and on about how cute they are.

At 9 years old, Celeste is beginning to realize the world is much more complex than she ever dreamed. As a result, she often questions the food we place in front of her. A fish stick is no longer just a stick of seafood; it was once a fish that swam free in the sea.

A chicken nugget is no longer just an odd-shaped piece of breaded meat; it was once a farm animal that ran free and at one point was a cute baby. To make matters more complicated, Celeste wrote the following story about Thanksgiving (the writer in me wants to correct the spelling, but the dad in me is smiling too big to see straight):

“Once apon a time there was a turkey named Tom Turkey. It was Thanksgiving at Tom’s farm. He was afraid he would get picked to be rosted. People came to pick out turkeys. Tom’s friends got picked. Tom was sad. Now he had no friends. It was Thanksgiving and more and more people came to the farm to pick out turkeys. They even picked out Tom’s mom and dad. Then Tom said ‘STOP EATING TURKEYS.’ The people were shoked, apsalotly shoked. They have never seen a turkey talk before. The people gave the turkeys back and ran far away. Tom was happy and back to his life. THE END.”

The contradiction is obvious. How can we teach our children to love and respect animals in one breath yet ask them to eat animals in the next?

I wish I had the perfect answer to that question because at some point Celeste is going to ask it directly of me. For now, all I have is that it’s normal for people to eat meat, but it’s also equally normal to not eat meat. Plenty of people are vegan and perfectly healthy.

We fall somewhere in the middle. Karen would be happy if we ate no meat, but I enjoy a grilled burger on a cool summer evening. So we eat little meat, but choose to support farms that give animals a humane, drug-free life. It’s not a perfect, but what in life is?

This is a repost of a column that ran in The Gazette on Dec. 2, 2010.

 

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That dreadful Thanksgiving Day phone call

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I can’t wait to sit down Thursday to a full Thanksgiving Day spread at my sister’s house, pour thick gravy over a mound of mashed potatoes, mix it with a piece of juicy turkey, dip it in Karen’s signature cranberry sauce, and savor the sweet memories we are building for Celeste and Gavin.

That phone call every Thanksgiving only served to remind me of one thing: Fatherlessness. (Photo courtesy MarkGregory007 via Flickr.)

I’m sleepy just thinking about all the tryptophan I’m going to eat.

I love Thanksgiving, and not just because of the food. I love it because it’s the one day out of the year we set aside to remember all we have to be thankful for.

No matter what religion you follow or the loss you might have experienced in the previous 12 months, we all can find a reason to give thanks for something in our lives.

A warm meal. A friendly smile. Good friends. A child’s giggle.

Me? I’m thankful I have a supportive wife and loving children who stand with me no matter what I do. The last 12 months proved it, as they brought much change to the Allanach household when I accepted a buyout from a 19-year career in the newspaper business to become unemployed.

After 10 weeks without a job, I found one at the Netherlands Embassy in Washington, D.C., and remain gainfully employed.

The biggest difference in my children’s life every day is my absence during the morning as they head out to school. Given commuting patterns to Washington, I leave the house by 6 a.m. so I can put in a full day and leave work at 4:30 p.m. to be home for dinner. It’s a small sacrifice to pay for gainful employment in today’s tough economy.

I don’t like being absent for their mornings, but I’m around in the evenings and weekends, which unfortunately is more than many fathers can say given the state of fatherlessness in America.

I’m also thankful Celeste and Gavin do not have to split their time on the holidays between two homes or pass the phone to each other to talk with their absent father.

Fatherlessness plays no role in my children’s lives, contrary to my childhood. My father left our family when I was 7, so that phone call was a staple of my childhood on the holidays, and I hated every second of it. I never knew what to say to my father, and usually kept the conversation light because it was the easy thing to do.

The weather? We covered that every call. Movies? We usually covered that too. Books? Music? Yup, yup.

Girls? Never. Peer pressure? Yeah, right. Puberty? No way. Drugs? Alcohol? Didn’t exist.

These are the conversations boys need to have with their dads while they go fishing or camping, maybe while they’re fixing the car or painting the hallway. I sure wasn’t going to have them with a man I barely knew who lived thousands of miles away.

Fatherhood happens on the most mundane of days while doing the most boring tasks, not on the holidays. I felt like he didn’t deserve the joy of talking to me on the holidays because he wasn’t there to put in the work every other day.

Why should I treat him as special on the holidays when he didn’t treat me as special every other day? That’s how fathers are supposed to make their children feel: Special.

Still, I would pick up the phone every Thanksgiving and have a conversation I didn’t want to have because that’s what children of divorce have to do.

The best I can say about it is that my mother never interfered and never asked us what we said to each other. To do so would have put us in the middle, and my mother never did that. Not once.

She ignored the phone call, and we did our best to enjoy the rest of the holiday. I’m sure her tongue is thoroughly scarred by years of her own bite marks.

Only through the lens of adulthood and fatherhood can I put these feelings into words. I don’t dwell on them, and they don’t control my life. I only think of them when I struggle to remember my fatherless childhood, and when I do, I am thankful my children don’t have to have such a phone call with me.

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Fighting bullies with pigtails

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No one likes dealing with bullies.

News stories about bullies always catch my attention, especially when they feature a triumphant underdog.

I found one such story in The Washington Post last month about a high school girl in Massachusetts who was bullied because she wore pigtails in her hair.

But instead of giving into the bully and taking out her pigtails, she took to Facebook and within hours felt a groundswell of support erupt around her.

The next day at school, she found herself surrounded by people in pigtails and the bully absent, reminding me just a little bit of George McFly clobbering Biff outside the school dance.

I don’t know why I pay such attention to stories about bullies. I never had to deal with them as a child, and haven’t had any real experience in dealing with them as a parent given the age of my children.

Celeste is in her final year of elementary school, and bullies don’t seem to emerge until middle school, that awkward world where hormones awaken, a friend’s influence starts to matter more than a parent’s, and bullies emerge like scum on a polluted pond.

At least, that’s what I’ve always believed. But I realized the other day that she and her friends are already aware of bullies and the trouble they cause in whatever world they infect.

Celeste was having a sleepover with a few of her friends, and they watched “An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong,” a movie about a 10-year-old girl who starts attending a new school and has to deal with bullies.

I sat in the other room and listened quietly as they talked openly about bullies, and how everyone at their school should watch the movie. Their openness and honesty captured my attention. I had a million questions, but didn’t want them to know I could hear them, so I didn’t say a word.

I asked Celeste the next day after her friends left, and she brushed me off like it was no big deal, so I can’t be certain what role bullies play in her life.

But all this leads me to one question: Do parents of bullies know their children are bullies, and they simply don’t care? Or are they living blissfully in the dark believing their children are angels and the rest of the world is the problem?

What has your experience been?

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How do you talk with your children about kids and alcohol?

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I’ve always known the day would come when I’d have one of those awkward talks with my children. You know the ones. Whether it’s kids and alcohol, drugs, alcohol or sex, these conversations never come easy.

Kids and alcohol

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But I didn’t expect to have it at such a young age. I just wanted to pick up pizza for dinner, and the restaurant just happens to be next door to a liquor store.

“What’s that?” my 7-year-old son Gavin asked as we passed the store front.

I answered quickly without any thought to his question. “A liquor store.”

“What’s liquor?”

“Alcohol,” I answered, again without thought. “It’s a store where you can buy beer, wine and other kinds of alcohol.”

“Oh,” Gavin said simply. I thought our conversation was over.

We picked up the pizza, and passed the liquor store again on our way back to the car.

“Coke is alcohol?” Gavin asked.

“No, where did you get that idea?”

“The liquor store. It has Coke in the window, so that means it’s alcohol, right Daddy?”

Kids’ minds can be so literal, I thought. “No, Coke is not alcohol, but some people mix Coke with rum, which is liquor.”

Again, I thought our conversation was over, but once I backed out of the parking space, I was wrong.

“Do you drink alcohol?” Gavin asked.

“Sometimes, but not that much.”

“Why not?”

“If you drink too much alcohol, you’ll get drunk.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s when you drink too much alcohol and you lose control of yourself. You feel funny, and lose your sense of right and wrong,” I said. “You lose your balance, your ability to walk straight, your sense of judgment, and you do things you probably wouldn’t do without alcohol. Drink too much, and you’ll get sick and throw up. You might even have to go to the hospital.”

“You throw up?” Gavin asked. “I hate throwing up.”

“Then don’t drink alcohol.”

“Did you ever drink too much alcohol?”

And there it was. One of the questions I knew my children would ask me one day, and one I wasn’t sure how to answer. If I told him yes, he might think it’s OK to drink, and he needs to know that alcohol and kids don’t mix. If I told him no, I would be lying to my son. So I evaded his question better than a presidential candidate debating his opponent.

“I don’t like drinking too much, guy,” I said honestly. I held my breath for the follow-up question, but it never came.

I don’t know why I hesitated to answer his question. I’ve told both my kids that I used to smoke cigarettes, but somehow alcohol seems different. A pack of cigarettes won’t kill anyone, but a few bottles of beer can, especially if they are in the stomach of a teenager behind the wheel.

Of course, the Internet is full of websites offering information about how parents can talk with their children about kids and alcohol, including the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, KidsHealth, PBS, and more.

The problem isn’t finding information. The problem is hearing the firsthand experiences of parents. So let me ask you: Should parents be entirely honest with their children about their own experiences drinking alcohol? Are you? Does the age of the child make a difference?

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Don’t erase dads

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I can’t count the number of television shows and commercials that either try to erase dads or make us look like bumbling idiots.

Whether it’s Dad asking Mom ridiculous questions to which she always says no, or it’s commercials that make Dad look like he can’t change a diaper, dads have somehow become a favorite punchline of American media.

We can’t erase fatherhood from our consciousness or allow fatherlessness to become the norm.

How sad.

I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, when decent dads filled the airwaves. Whether it was Mike Brady, Phillip Drummond, Howard Cunningham, Steve Keaton, Jason Seavor or Cliff Huxtable, respectable dads were a staple of television.

But I can’t name a single television show on air today that features a father who can stack up against any of those dads, or who has entered our collective consciousness like the fathers of 30 years ago. It’s as though the creative minds who produce television shows and commercials are trying to erase dads.

Am I missing something? What happened?

Just look through the fall lineup, and see if one sticks out to you. Granted, I don’t know half the shows on air today, but I don’t see a single dad to whom I can relate on any of the shows I do know.

I had high hopes for Guys with Kids, but soured on it at the opening scene of the first episode when all three fathers were at a sports bar drinking beer with their infants strapped to their chest in baby carriers.

Who thinks bringing an infant to a bar is a good idea?

Sigh.

Fatherlessness in America

Perhaps television is merely reflecting the state of fatherlessness in America. Too many children in America live in homes without their biological father — 24 million to be precise.

Twenty. Four. Million.

That’s larger than the population of many countries. It’s  2 million more than the population of Australia, 7 million more than the population of the Netherlands, more than twice the population of Greece, and three times the population of Israel.

The result is devastating. According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, children in fatherless homes are more likely to live in poverty, commit crime, become victims of abuse, and abuse drugs or alcohol themselves.

Shameful.

I know from my own experience growing up fatherless the important role dads play, and the void they leave when they are absent. It’s a crater no amount of mentorship can fill.

Escaping the pitfalls of fatherlessness

I consider myself lucky for not becoming a statistic of fatherlessness, but I know how close to the edge I walked.

That’s probably why I take such efforts to be active in the lives of my two children, and  probably the reason I find great offensive when commercials, movies or television shows portray dads in such a bad light, or in no light at all.

I realize television often reflects society, but it can also help shape it by telling inspiring stories that encourage people to improve themselves.

Every now and then I see a glimmer of hope. Volkswagen had this fun commercial featuring Darth Vader a playful dad:

And Google has this great commercial with a dad helping his daughter through homesickness during her freshman year college:

Both are great examples of an active dad in their children’s lives, and we sure could use more of those.

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For fathers in youth sports, lessons extend beyond the field

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I’m fairly new to the world of fathers in youth sports.

Both of my children have played on soccer, basketball or baseball teams, but none have been competitive. They have all been recreational, so kids simply sign up and all can play regardless of their skill level.

fathers in youth sports

That’s how I like it given the age of my children. At 7 and 11 years old, it’s more important for Gavin and Celeste to learn the basics of the games they are playing than worry about who’s winning or losing.

They even learn skills that are useful off the field.

They learn not to give a teammate a hard time for dropping the ball because they once dropped it themselves or could just as easily drop it the next time it comes to them. Whether on the  baseball diamond or in the office, everyone makes mistakes. Additionally, during road trip games, they also learn valuable lessons in teamwork and camaraderie.

They learn that being part of a team means you have to sometimes pass the ball so your teammate can score the goal. Whether on the soccer field or in the workplace, no one accomplishes anything on their own.

And they learn to not fear losing. Whether on a math test or in the boardroom, failure is often a stepping stone to the next success.

A lesson for fathers in youth sports

I find that I learn just as much, though it’s not from my children or their teammates. I often walk away from a game or practice thinking more deeply about my role as a dad and how I father my children by watching other fathers in youth sports.

For example, one day I saw a father argue with his son about the way he was playing catcher. The son would not keep his right hand behind his back to protect it. One foul tip at just the right angle could break his throwing hand. (Look at the picture on this post to see where a catcher is supposed to keep this throwing hand.)

The father walked away in frustration, and mumbled, “Fine with me. Let him break his hand and learn the hard way,” or something to that effect.

My first thought was, “What a jerk. What father in his right mind would allow his son to put himself in harm’s way?”

I walked away from that game questioning the behavior of some fathers in youth sports and feeling sorry for the boy. He doesn’t have a dad who cared enough about him to protect him from hurting himself.

Too quick to judge

But after giving it more thought, I realized I was in no position to judge this father based on one five-second exchange with his son.

I’ve certainly had my moments of frustration with my children, and I wouldn’t want someone judging my skills as a father based on those moments.

After all, it’s not like the boy was playing with a sharp knife or a loaded gun. He was wearing all the protective gear catchers wear. He just wouldn’t put his right hand behind his back. What are the chances he would actually break his hand on a foul tip? Slim, I’m sure, given this level of play.

Sometimes kids have to learn on their own. No doubt I’ve learned more from my own mistakes and my own pain than through anything my mother ever tried to tell me.

But where is the line? And how far would you let your children risk their own safety?

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‘Absent’ tells an important story of fatherlessness

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Who knew I had so much in common with James Hetfield?

You know the guy, the Metallica frontman? He sings with gusto, from the bottom of his gut, in a way that attracts fans to sell-out shows wherever his band plays.

Metallica frontman James Hetfield talks with filmmaker Justin Hunt about Hunt’s documentary on fatherlessness, “Absent.” Photo courtesy Justin Hunt.

Me? I sing like a drunken chipmunk who’s having his wisdom teeth pulled without anesthesia and couldn’t attract a single dung beetle.

James’s guitar playing has inspired countless teens in the last three decades to pick up a six-string and try their hand at making it big.

Me? I have a guitar in the basement that has picked up countless dust bunnies over the years.

Of course, I’m not in a band that has one of the best-selling albums of all time. Nor have I toured the world or nearly burned off my hand in a moment of on-stage confusion.

And he probably has more loose change in the cushions of his couch than I have dollars in the bank.

OK, so I don’t have that much in common with James Hetfield, but we do share something that shaped each of our lives like little else. We both grew up fatherless.

His father left when he was 13 and mine when I was 7. For the both of us, the absence of the man who fathered us became the defining moment of our childhoods and by extension our entire lives.

James figured out how to use the rejection, abandonment and pain as inspiration for his groundbreaking music that millions around the world love and that brought him riches many people only dream about. I still struggle with my fatherless childhood periodically, but have figured out how to lead a normal life while using the rejection as inspiration for being an involved father in the lives of my two children.

Filmmaker Justin Hunt tells a compelling story of fatherlessness in his documentary “Absent.” Photo courtesy Justin Hunt.

James tells his story in “Absent,” a thoughtful 2011 documentary by filmmaker Justin Hunt that explores the fatherlessness plague infecting our nation through the stories of everyday people, authors, experts, prostitutes, a famous boxer, and of course, Hetfield.

I could relate to all their stories on some level, but connected the strongest to James’s, in no small part because I’ve listened to his music for nearly 30 years.

Statistics of fatherlessness

“Abesent” explores the effects of fatherlessness, including an increased likelihood of crime, suicide, prostitution and more. The statistics are sobering, “Absent” explains based on information from the U.S. Census Bureau. Children who grow up in fatherless homes are:

  • 5 times more likely to kill themselves
  • 9 times more likely to drop out of school
  • 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
  • 14 times more likely to rape someone
  • 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
  • 20 times more likely to end up in prison
  • 32 times more likely to run away

If the look at adoration in your children’s eyes isn’t enough to want to be an involved father, those statistics certainly should be.

But I found the most memorable line from “Absent” in the movie’s opening line: “Think about this. Your father is the first person in the outside world who either chooses you or doesn’t, and it’s the answer to that question that will inevitably shape your and everyone around you for the rest of your life and theirs.”

I felt so moved after watching “Absent” that I delved deeper into its website, and emailed Justin to ask him what it would take to screen the movie where I live so I could do my part to share the story of fatherlessness in my community. Justin responded and told me of the logistics involved.

I’ve never organized anything like this, and I haven’t figured out how to make it happen, but I’m working on it. The story of fatherlessness has to be told, and it has to have an ending.

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Santa Claus is slimming down

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Me: I’m going downstairs to ride the treadmill.

Gavin (7): Why? You rode the treadmill yesterday.

Celeste (10): Yeah, Daddy. Don’t go.

Me: But you have to exercise more than once. You don’t want me to have a big belly like Santa Claus, do you?

Celeste: No, but we want you to be Santa Claus.

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I’m a man!

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Gavin (7): Look, Mommy! I have hair on my legs. I’m a man!

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Kids can handle bad news … if their parents can

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Children learn to respond to the world around them largely from their parents.

If they consistently see Dad scream at drivers who cut him off in traffic, they too will yell at children who butt in front of them on the playground. Road rage eventually becomes recess rage.

A boy who lightly scrapes his knee while playing outside on a brisk spring day will probably not cry if his mother is not around. He’ll continue playing as though nothing happened, and won’t mention it until bedtime when he drills 10 more minutes of wake-up time out of the sympathy well every mother carries.

But if that same boy scrapes his knee in front of his mother and she runs to him gasping loudly with every breath of her maternal instinct, he will cry a barrel of tears big enough to quench the thirst of every creature in the Sahara Desert.

The difference, of course, is the reaction of the mother to his scraped knee. The same can apply to how child accept bad news.

Not long ago, my brother Sean went to the emergency room because his heart was racing for no reason. He drove himself there, even though his heart was in atrial fibrillation and beating up to 180 times per minute.

I was home with my 8-year-old daughter, Celeste, and my sister-in-law could reach only me, so I spent the next hour calling my parents and other siblings. Celeste, aware that something was going on because I don’t usually call everyone in our family right after the other, asked me what was wrong.

I told her that Uncle Sean was in the hospital, to which her eyes widened. She has never been admitted to the hospital, but she knows people go there when they are too sick to stay home and need a doctor’s constant care.

I searched for a way to explain what was going on. “You know how your heart beats really fast when you exercise?”

She nodded. “Well, that’s what Uncle Sean’s heart is doing, only he’s not exercising.”

“Oh,” she replied flatly.

“It’s not supposed to do that,” I continued, “so the doctors are going to fix it.”

“OK,” she replied, and went about her business, fully accepting that it was no big deal even though none of us knew at the time how serious it was. (Did I mention he is my younger brother?)

Celeste and I went about our day, and I kept in contact with family members as much as I could. By the end of the day, we learned his heart was in atrial fibrillation and he would have to stay the night in the hospital, so I wanted to drive down after dinner. (Did I mention he is only 20 months younger than me?)

It’s unusual for me to leave the house after dinner without Karen and the kids, so Gavin, my 5-year-old son, did not want me to go anywhere, especially without them. I told him I wanted to see Uncle Sean in the hospital, and Gavin’s eyes widened at the word “hospital.” (Did I mention that my mother had a similar episode last fall?)

Gavin fears hospitals, probably because he equates them with doctors and shots, which no kid enjoys. I debated how much to tell him what was going on, knowing that I may have to explain it differently to him given that he is younger than Celeste, but she beat me to it.

“It’s OK, Gavin,” she explained. “You know how your heart beats fast and you breathe harder when you run around playing?”

Gavin nodded.

“That’s what’s happening to Uncle Sean, only he’s not running around on the playground.” (Did I mention that atrial fibrillation can be hereditary?)

“Oh,” Gavin said.

I was proud of her ability to explain to Gavin what was going on in words he could understand, and in a way that eased any anxiety he might have felt. But then she fell off the edge: “So he’s in the hospital for an operation or something like that. I don’t know,” and they continued playing.

I chuckled and explained that he wouldn’t need an operation, that doctors were seeing how he responded to medicine. (Of course, one of the first questions Karen asked me, after learning that Sean would be OK, was when I was going to see a cardiologist.)

On the drive down to the hospital I kept smiling at Celeste’s ability to accept the news of what was happening, realize that while serious everything would be OK, and then explain it to her younger brother better than I could have.

Did I mention I haven’t made any effort to see a cardiologist? Shoot, Karen’s going to read this, isn’t she? Maybe I should ask Celeste for help in explaining my way out of this one.

This is a repost of a column that ran in The Gazette on Aug. 5, 2010. I did see a cardiologist the following winter, and he found nothing wrong with my heart. 

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